First date.
I wait.
No show.
I go.
We talk.
Wrong night?!
Both sure
We’re right.
He takes
His mistake;
My crown
Quite straight.
New day.
I say,
“See show?
Let’s go.
Show time
At five.
You wait,
I’ll drive…”
And then I said, “I’ll pick you up at five thirty.” He said, “uh, five thirty? You mean four thirty.”
Uh-oh,
I see.
Well, dang,
That was me!
Can your relationship stand the popcorn test? Do your movie manners match? For me there’s really only one way to go to a movie, isn’t there? I wait until the very last moment, certainly until all the advertisements are over, and with luck most of the trailers for forthcoming attractions. Then I shuffle through the semi-darkness and slip into an aisle seat near the back and settle down in perfect silence to watch the movie. No food, no drink, no popcorn and especially no talking – especially no talking.
Imagine the shock and horror of my first movie with my beloved. She wanted to arrive early. She insisted on buying a bucket, or was it a bathtub, of popcorn – that smelly, noisy stuff that crackles and makes your fingers and breath smell and leaves you dying of thirst. Then, without discussion she sits halfway from the screen. I ask you. That makes everyone in the movie look like Godzilla and gives me a headache. Doesn’t everyone, but everyone know that the back of the cinema is the only place to be. And then… horror of horrors – she keeps making comments about the film. That’s right, actually, during, while and in the middle of the – the movie. She talks. I wanted the seat to swallow me up, or failing that to stand up and to apologise to everyone that my beloved had only just arrived from Mars and simply had no idea that you can’t comment in a darkened cinema. When my shame and perplexity subsided we agreed later on a compromise. Popcorn yes, the middle of the cinema if you must – but most definitely, or I am leaving to run away with the circus – most definitely, no talking.
At first we had most definitely failed the popcorn test. What we had neglected to do was to carry out a simple safety check before our first movie date. We didn’t say what we wanted or needed or expected. We just presumed that our tastes were exactly the same. Building resilience in a relationship is reinforced by designing your alliance, even for something as simple as a cinema outing. Ask for what you want. Listen to what your partner wants. And then make a conscious choice about what can suit you both. That way you don’t sit fuming with frustration for forty years as your beloved chews and chatters only inches from the screen. Thank goodness we both like romantic comedies.
When things bug us, half the time we don’t really know why. Something seems wrong “out there” and we wish it would stop. We often look for someone to blame, right? Blaming may feel good, briefly, but goes hand in hand with playing the victim.
The Seven What’s can be very helpful in getting to the bottom of what’s bothering you and discovering useful action. It helps you find your own role in the issue so you don’t have to be a victim. You most likely have everything you need to understand the situation; a little digging brings it to the surface. You can ask the questions of yourself. Better yet, a loving partner or friend can ask the questions and hold the space while you look inside for the answers. The questions are:
1. What’s important about that?
2. What’s underneath that?
3. What’s underneath that?
4. What’s underneath that? (repeat as needed)
5. What’s important about that?
6. What do you want?
7. What do you want to do?
For example, let’s say you find you are avoiding talking to your Mom and feel aggravated about it and about her. You can ask these questions of yourself, or your partner can ask them of you. It might look like this:
1. What’s important about this thing with Mom?
It’s bugging me. She thinks she knows everything.
2. What’s underneath that?
She messes with my mind.
3. What’s underneath that?
I don’t want to be so influenced by her ideas; I need to form my own view.
4. What’s underneath that?
One time recently I did just what she said and I felt stupid later.
5. What’s important about that?
To be decisive I need to have full confidence in myself.
6. What do you want?
I want her to quit giving me advice. And I don’t want to hurt her.
7. What do you want to do?
I want to tell Mom why I don’t want her to tell me what she thinks for a while. If she can do that, we can still talk about other stuff.
When the issue involves the two of you directly, each person takes a turn at questions one through five. Then you take turns at number six, What do you want? Finally you deliberate the last question together, which becomes, What do we want to do? For sticky issues, you may need to revisit the first questions before you are ready to get to collaborate on the action step.
Where have you had success getting to the bottom of an aggravation?
Since I was five years old, I’ve stayed pretty quiet in emotionally charged situations and many social situations. I’m so good at it by now that it’s difficult to do otherwise.
Oh, there are so many reasons to stay quiet:
• All options stay open
• No one can complain about what you said
• You can’t be wrong
• You can’t make a fool of yourself
• No one can challenge your view
• You can’t be wrong
• If you are misunderstood, it’s their mistake, not yours
• And, most importantly, you can’t be wrong!
The downside of this, which I finally see with crystal clarity, is that it is shortsighted. Like what they say about doughnuts, “A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips,” staying quiet trades a moment of safety for a lifetime of disconnection…from self and others. Yeah, disconnection from self and others. I’m done with that! The reason to express yourself is to express yourself, to show up in your own life. You clarify who you are and what you value to yourself and to the people around you. And act of risk-taking in revealing your self is very bonding with the right people. Some people will “get” you and some won’t. You might as well sort that out up front and keep moving. Staying quiet about your truth is like storing yourself in a deep freeze.
It is taking some time for me to find my way to new reflexes and flowing words. That’s OK; quick or slow, smooth or awkward… I know I’m pointed in the right direction. No one but me can occupy my space in the world and I intend to do it full out.
Are you on the road to escalating conflict or to effective communication? If you’ve digested the previous post, try this two-minute multiple-choice quiz. We’ll pretend you have made the following complaints to your partner. Evaluate how well each one meets the criteria for Constructive Complaining by circling all the choices that apply. Then check the key below to see how well you did.
How Constructive are These Complaints?
1. “You’re just lazy.”
a. The statement is not made to the key person
b. The complaint is judgmental or critical
c. There’s no fundamental feeling stated
d. It’s not explicitly clear what behavior you do want
OR
e. This is a constructive complaint!
2. “My boss told us there will be no vacation days for the next six months. I’m angry!”
a. The statement is not made to the key person
b. The complaint is judgmental or critical
c. There’s no fundamental feeling stated
d. It’s not explicitly clear what behavior you do want
OR
e. This is a constructive complaint!
3. “It bugs me when you answer the phone during dinner.”
a. The statement is not made to the key person
b. The complaint is judgmental or critical
c. There’s no fundamental feeling stated
d. It’s not explicitly clear what behavior you do want
OR
e. This is a constructive complaint!
4. “I’m angry right now. I would like you to treat me with respect.”
a. The statement is not made to the key person
b. The complaint is judgmental or critical
c. There’s no fundamental feeling stated
d. It’s not explicitly clear what behavior you do want
OR
e. This is a constructive complaint!
5. “When you pay no attention to how you spend money, I feel cheated.”
a. The statement is not made to the key person
b. The complaint is judgmental or critical
c. There’s no fundamental feeling stated
d. It’s not explicitly clear what behavior you do want
OR
e. This is a constructive complaint!
6. “When you leave in the morning I wish you would give me a kiss. I feel sad when we part without kissing.”
a. The statement is not made to the key person
b. The complaint is judgmental or critical
c. There’s no fundamental feeling stated
d. It’s not explicitly clear what behavior you do want
OR
e. This is a constructive complaint!
The KEY
1. You’re just lazy. b. c. d.
Uh-oh, now you’ve done it! The fight is on! The complaint is made to the right person. However, the term “lazy” is critical, in the category of a name-calling label. There’s no expression of feeling or positive desire that might help the person relate to your experience.
2. My boss told us there will be no vacation days for the next six months. I’m angry! a. (also d.)
There’s nothing wrong with sharing this. Softening in the policy will not be a likely outcome, however, unless the complaint is expressed to the boss.
3. It bugs me when you answer the phone during dinner. d.
What action, if any, do you want? Discussion? Turning off the phone? Screening calls for urgency? By making a specific request as part of your complaint, the focus turns toward discussion of a solution.
4. I’m angry right now. I would like you to treat me with respect. d.
The underlying desire is clear but what does that look like? Ask for one or more specific behaviors that would signal respect to you. Such as, “I’d like to hear ‘thank you’ when I find your car keys or other things for you.”
5. When you pay no attention to how you spend money, I feel cheated. b. c. d.
Paying attention is subjective and words like “always” never” and “no” are clues that judgment is present. The word “cheated” is not a basic feeling. There’s a judgment built into it about the other person’s intentions. Other words like this include “betrayed,” and “attacked.” The raw feeling might be “hurt,” “sad,” or “furious.” The person hearing this statement is getting criticized three ways; they are not going to hear you!
6. When you leave in the morning, I wish you would give me a kiss. I feel sad when we part without kissing. e.
Perfect! You are taking responsibility for the issue. There’s a clear complaint, but no indictment of the non-kisser’s character or intentions.
Of course, tone and facial expression are at least as important as the words! If they don’t match, the most carefully-chosen words will fail to communicate what you are going for. Follow these criteria with heart, however, and you will be doing your full part in the dance of honest, effective communication.
(For more practical information and examples of effective communication, I heartily recommend Marshall Rosenberg’s book, Nonviolent Communication.)
See if you can relate to this. At my home, I seem to be the only one who takes out the trash. (you can substitute your own issue) I want to complain about this to my partner. But if I complain, I’m a downer or a nag. If I don’t complain, resentment builds up or worse, a cutting remark bursts out of my mouth. Damned if I do complain and damned if I don’t. Keeping quiet buys some time, but usually leads to greater conflict down the road.
Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to complain in a way that did not stir a defensive reaction from your partner, did not leave you feeling like a jerk, and had a good chance of a useful response?
There is a way, actually. It’s called Constructive Complaining and it is a vital relationship skill. (I didn’t discover it; peacemaker Marshall Rosenberg and psychotherapists John and Julie Gottman have been talking about it in different terms for decades.) It’s a way to stop going around in circles of aggravation with the ones you love.
First of all, understand that complaint is not the same as criticism. You don’t need criticism to make your point. Be sure you don’t mix up the two… in words or in tone.
Here are the essential elements to truly Constructive Complaining:
1. Assume your partner is a well-intentioned, competent, decent human being. (Oh, this is the tough one, isn’t it?? The ego loves to vilify the person behind the traits we don’t get.) Say for example, “When I see that the garbage is close to the top of the bag…” Not “When you carelessly leave the trash for me to take out…”
2. Share the feeling you have when the thing isn’t the way you want it. Such as, “I feel frustrated.”
3. Share the underlying condition you yearn for. Such as, “I want more peace and order” or “I want more collaboration with you” or “ I wish I heard more appreciation for the things I do.”
4. Share a request for what would help the situation that is specific. Such as, “Would you take time with me to figure out a solution?” Or “Would you take out the trash when you see that the bag is 2/3 full?”
What you aren’t doing when complaining constructively is criticizing, judging the other person’s character, or being vague about what you want. Also, you aren’t complaining to the wrong person. Check your next complaint against this list and see how you do. I’ve got a quiz on this skill that you can take next time.
I am just a man, so getting my haircut takes about as much thought and intention as cleaning my teeth. It’s just something that needs doing when my hair gets too long. A quick and preferably silent visit to the nearest barber suits me just fine provided my hair doesn’t turn green or look bizarrely ridiculous in the process.
So how come I managed to have two haircuts in the space of two days just before Christmas? Well, paying attention to a relationship – that’s why – and listening to the requests of my beloved. The first haircut did not meet required standards of beauty and elegance, so she gently suggested it might be a good idea to have some running repairs. I duly went to a different hairdresser the following day to have my already ridiculously shorn hair reduced to an even shorter length. With hindsight I realised it might have been a mistake to go to an industrial barber more noted for speed and value-for-money than high fashion.. The result was a haircut well-suited to the escaped convict Abel Magwitch in Great Expectations. And of course, the second version still failed to meet sartorial standards.
We had two different needs in our relationship. My need was to remain completely unconscious about how my hair looks. My beloved’s need was to be proud of me and not to be accompanied by a scarecrow underneath a haystack. The result was dissatisfaction all round. I had to suffer the humiliation of two haircuts in two days. And I still felt criticised and was told I looked a mess.
The relationship learning? Ask for what you want from your partner. Be prepared to make it obvious rather than suffering in silence. And then… don’t be at all attached to getting what you want. If a man is happy with how he looks and doesn’t want to change, then continue to love him the way he looked when you fell in love with him. If he does try to please you by attempting to change, then acknowledge the effort and the love that went into that. The awareness and the sacrifice are more important than the end result. Love him even when you want him to look like George Clooney and he comes back with a haircut more suited to George Orwell.
.
I love Antony’s previous entry on the household jobs we take on. Consciously reviewing and agreeing to your roles around the house sidesteps a tricky cycle of resentment and guilt that can happen. When I take on a job grudgingly, I subconsciously expect something in return, which I am very unlikely to get.
For example, my former husband was a good cook and was used to eating dinners with an interesting main course and several other dishes. Without discussing it, he and I both assumed I should cook meals that met his standards. This was not easy for me; often I just wanted to eat a tuna sandwich and an apple. Day after day I would try to plan and prepare meals he liked. The food was usually good yet I rarely got the payoff I craved: appreciation. My work to prepare meals didn’t show up as notable.
I resented his lack of appreciation over my effort, then felt guilty about my resentment and recommitted to the task of cooking what would please. The process repeated itself over and over and the cycle became a downward spiral of disappointment.
What would a little consciousness have brought us? Relief! I was forcing myself to do something I really didn’t want to do. I was rejecting myself as I was, a reluctant cook, and this turned into a reason to blame him for being hard and unkind.
How could it look differently? I might have said, “ya know, I am really not enjoying preparing meals the way I do now and I end up feeling resentful. Could we talk about it? Let’s see what’s important to each of us about meals and tweek our plan.” We might have created designated soup and salad nights, or decided to have him do the planning, or just created new perspectives around the current program. Whatever we chose, the process would have respected our ability to care for one another and our relationship.
Where do you feel resentment in your world? You will do everyone a favor if you admit hating one of your jobs and take the time to redesign it in a way that supports you both. Better to admit you hate a role than to build resentment toward your spouse!
How many jobs do you do in your relationship? Lots and lots, and most of them you didn’t even apply for. Who checks the oil in the car? Who writes birthday cards? Who suggests new places to go for an evening out? Who discusses politics?
When we come together in relationship we often assume jobs, or roles, without even thinking about them. Some are inherited from our parents. That’s just what men do; women do; mothers do; fathers do. Others are thrust upon us by our partners. I want you to look after the money, be the strong and silent one, be the peacemaker, make sure the kids are happy, do the cooking.
Some of the jobs we love and some of the ones we hate. Even the ones we love can get a little tiring and we might like to hand them over for a while. Or we might like to try our hand at a role that our partner has always filled. The secret to successful job distribution is awareness. What are your exact roles? Did you choose them? Are you happy to carry on doing them? Or is it time for a job-share or a job-swop.
At one stage I never ironed shirts, until my ex-sister-in-law told my ex-wife that she didn’t clean her husband’s teeth, so why should she iron his shirts. Result? I learned to iron and I’ve enjoyed it ever since, especially listening to football on the radio.
It helps from time to time to make a list of all the jobs and roles that need filling in a relationship and to check if some of them are unfilled or neglected or if the present occupant is just too tired to carry on with the work.
Try making your own list. Who puts out the garbage? Who does the laundry? Who visits relatives? Who is the peace maker? Who is the disciplinarian? Who complains? Who is stoic? That list can be really useful when there are major changes afoot, like the birth of a child, or teenagers leaving home. There may be a need for different job descriptions in the relationship, or roles that can safely be retired.
Try it. See how many jobs you do in your relationship and whether you are happy to do them or they are just a burden that makes you feel a victim. Perhaps you can just drop that role, or share it with your partner. Or redesign the whole factory floor.
Images of Christmas remind me of the presents I received from my former husband our first Christmas together. It was dazzling to open his gifts: a bottle Chanel #5 perfume, silky black dress slacks, and a pair of fashionable shoes. It was so romantic to me. He was not a natural shopper, so how special it was that he had gone to the perfume counter and the women’s section of the department store to pick these things out for me! I was tremendously touched.
After Christmas, I found that the shoes didn’t fit, the slacks didn’t either, and Chanel #5 smelled like, well, something I wouldn’t want to smell like. The symbol of the gifts was not diminished a speck for me by these facts, mind you, but what did my husband see? The items disappeared. I returned the clothes; the perfume went into a drawer. I sensed his disappointment and felt guilty at not being able to enjoy his gifts, but didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t want to draw attention to the fact that the gifts didn’t work out. He said nothing more and the matter disappeared.
Did it disappear? Fast forward a few decades, and surprise, surprise, the subject of gifts at holiday time in our house is painful: doomed to failure before beginning. We’ve lost the energy to even try.
Oh, the clarity of hindsight! The low dose of relationship poison that started in our veins the first Christmas was not his disappointment or my guilt. It was our avoidance of facing and dealing with the disappointment and guilt. They didn’t disappear, they grew and mutated into something much more harmful: the building blocks of a wall. Our feelings needed to see the light and be allowed some air.
The rewrite in my imagination goes like this: My husband and I spend a couple minutes mourning the non-fitting clothes, me reiterating how lovely it was to receive the love they held. We go out to find the perfect shoes and pants together and then toast ourselves over a coke at our favorite pizza place. We turn this scenario into a celebration, an appreciation of what is right about us.
The image we have of how certain events should go rarely matches up with reality. Can we be elastic, courageous, and open to learning? The alternative is to fend off reality with fear. But, damn! Fear of things going badly turns into things going badly. And there are no matters too insignificant to explore. Explore the small things openly and you will develop the practice and the emotional equity to handle the big things.
And the perfume? I’m just not a perfume kind of woman.
 | Eva Mak on Infallible |
 | Lois Parks on Infallible |
 | Janet Chahrour on Beneath the Gift |
 | Judy Elkin on Beneath the Gift |
| Judy Elkin on Beneath the Gift |
