Are you on the road to escalating conflict or to effective communication? If you’ve digested the previous post, try this two-minute multiple-choice quiz. We’ll pretend you have made the following complaints to your partner. Evaluate how well each one meets the criteria for Constructive Complaining by circling all the choices that apply. Then check the key below to see how well you did.
How Constructive are These Complaints?
1. “You’re just lazy.”
a. The statement is not made to the key person
b. The complaint is judgmental or critical
c. There’s no fundamental feeling stated
d. It’s not explicitly clear what behavior you do want
OR
e. This is a constructive complaint!
2. “My boss told us there will be no vacation days for the next six months. I’m angry!”
a. The statement is not made to the key person
b. The complaint is judgmental or critical
c. There’s no fundamental feeling stated
d. It’s not explicitly clear what behavior you do want
OR
e. This is a constructive complaint!
3. “It bugs me when you answer the phone during dinner.”
a. The statement is not made to the key person
b. The complaint is judgmental or critical
c. There’s no fundamental feeling stated
d. It’s not explicitly clear what behavior you do want
OR
e. This is a constructive complaint!
4. “I’m angry right now. I would like you to treat me with respect.”
a. The statement is not made to the key person
b. The complaint is judgmental or critical
c. There’s no fundamental feeling stated
d. It’s not explicitly clear what behavior you do want
OR
e. This is a constructive complaint!
5. “When you pay no attention to how you spend money, I feel cheated.”
a. The statement is not made to the key person
b. The complaint is judgmental or critical
c. There’s no fundamental feeling stated
d. It’s not explicitly clear what behavior you do want
OR
e. This is a constructive complaint!
6. “When you leave in the morning I wish you would give me a kiss. I feel sad when we part without kissing.”
a. The statement is not made to the key person
b. The complaint is judgmental or critical
c. There’s no fundamental feeling stated
d. It’s not explicitly clear what behavior you do want
OR
e. This is a constructive complaint!
The KEY
1. You’re just lazy. b. c. d.
Uh-oh, now you’ve done it! The fight is on! The complaint is made to the right person. However, the term “lazy” is critical, in the category of a name-calling label. There’s no expression of feeling or positive desire that might help the person relate to your experience.
2. My boss told us there will be no vacation days for the next six months. I’m angry! a. (also d.)
There’s nothing wrong with sharing this. Softening in the policy will not be a likely outcome, however, unless the complaint is expressed to the boss.
3. It bugs me when you answer the phone during dinner. d.
What action, if any, do you want? Discussion? Turning off the phone? Screening calls for urgency? By making a specific request as part of your complaint, the focus turns toward discussion of a solution.
4. I’m angry right now. I would like you to treat me with respect. d.
The underlying desire is clear but what does that look like? Ask for one or more specific behaviors that would signal respect to you. Such as, “I’d like to hear ‘thank you’ when I find your car keys or other things for you.”
5. When you pay no attention to how you spend money, I feel cheated. b. c. d.
Paying attention is subjective and words like “always” never” and “no” are clues that judgment is present. The word “cheated” is not a basic feeling. There’s a judgment built into it about the other person’s intentions. Other words like this include “betrayed,” and “attacked.” The raw feeling might be “hurt,” “sad,” or “furious.” The person hearing this statement is getting criticized three ways; they are not going to hear you!
6. When you leave in the morning, I wish you would give me a kiss. I feel sad when we part without kissing. e.
Perfect! You are taking responsibility for the issue. There’s a clear complaint, but no indictment of the non-kisser’s character or intentions.
Of course, tone and facial expression are at least as important as the words! If they don’t match, the most carefully-chosen words will fail to communicate what you are going for. Follow these criteria with heart, however, and you will be doing your full part in the dance of honest, effective communication.
(For more practical information and examples of effective communication, I heartily recommend Marshall Rosenberg’s book, Nonviolent Communication.)
Tags: complaint, Marshall Rosenberg, relationship, request
