When things bug us, half the time we don’t really know why. Something seems wrong “out there” and we wish it would stop. We often look for someone to blame, right? Blaming may feel good, briefly, but goes hand in hand with playing the victim.
The Seven What’s can be very helpful in getting to the bottom of what’s bothering you and discovering useful action. It helps you find your own role in the issue so you don’t have to be a victim. You most likely have everything you need to understand the situation; a little digging brings it to the surface. You can ask the questions of yourself. Better yet, a loving partner or friend can ask the questions and hold the space while you look inside for the answers. The questions are:
1. What’s important about that?
2. What’s underneath that?
3. What’s underneath that?
4. What’s underneath that? (repeat as needed)
5. What’s important about that?
6. What do you want?
7. What do you want to do?
For example, let’s say you find you are avoiding talking to your Mom and feel aggravated about it and about her. You can ask these questions of yourself, or your partner can ask them of you. It might look like this:
1. What’s important about this thing with Mom?
It’s bugging me. She thinks she knows everything.
2. What’s underneath that?
She messes with my mind.
3. What’s underneath that?
I don’t want to be so influenced by her ideas; I need to form my own view.
4. What’s underneath that?
One time recently I did just what she said and I felt stupid later.
5. What’s important about that?
To be decisive I need to have full confidence in myself.
6. What do you want?
I want her to quit giving me advice. And I don’t want to hurt her.
7. What do you want to do?
I want to tell Mom why I don’t want her to tell me what she thinks for a while. If she can do that, we can still talk about other stuff.
When the issue involves the two of you directly, each person takes a turn at questions one through five. Then you take turns at number six, What do you want? Finally you deliberate the last question together, which becomes, What do we want to do? For sticky issues, you may need to revisit the first questions before you are ready to get to collaborate on the action step.
Where have you had success getting to the bottom of an aggravation?
